Miles To Go Before I Sleep
by Animegirl1129
Summary: In which Becker's life spirals out of control after losing nearly everyone. Connor/Becker.


Miles To Go Before I Sleep

_**Written in response to cottoncandy_bingo prompt: distance. Set between S3 finale and S4 premiere, while Abby and Connor are in the Cretaceous. Established Becker/Connor relationship. And, actually, this is kind of a prequel to my other Primeval fic, Back Where We Belong. Characters not mine, please enjoy! Comments are awesome.**_

* * *

"Captain Becker," one of his men - Adams - calls, and judging by the group of other soldiers lurking nearby, it appears as though he was nominated for this conversation against his will. "Ugh, we were thinking..."

Becker doesn't really care what they were thinking. He's been awake for nearly three days straight at this point, pacing back and forth across the space where the damned anomaly had been, hoping beyond any logical hope that it might open again and spit the people it took from him back out.

"Yes?"

"We think maybe you should head back to the ARC, get some rest or..."

"Or what?" He growls, finally shifting his gaze from the empty bit of air to glare at his underling.

The soldier cringes, like he was afraid it would come to this. "Um. We think that you're maybe not in quite a fit state to lead right now - we're all upset with losing Danny and Abby and Connor - but the administrator has given us leave to bring you back by whatever means are necessary. So, please, sir, will you just come with us?"

The direct challenge to his authority is enough of a distraction to pull him away from his anomaly watching. "I'm not going anywhere."

Adams takes a step back, but the others step forward, prepared to back up their appointed leader in this confrontation with their actual leader. "Captain, there are other anomalies that need handling. We can't stay here forever. The administrator's looking into a couple of new scientists to take their places. We'll have to-"

But that's as far as he gets before Becker goes off. It's only been three days - three long, miserable days - but if Lester is already looking for replacements, then clearly he doesn't have much hope of a safe return. Becker, however, needs to believe that he hasn't lost nearly everyone he cares about.

They try to handcuff him, but he's having none of it. He has too much to fight for right now, since he's operating on this belief that if he leaves - if he's not there for them _again - _then he'll never get them back. He punches one of his own men, hears the crunch of a broken nose under his fist as the soldier goes stumbling backwards. Another tries to tackle him, but he lunges first, pinning the guy to the ground and screaming every curse word he's ever heard at the world for taking Connor and Abby and Danny away from him.

Then there's a sharp stab of pain in his neck and it takes him just a second too long to realize that they tranquilized him, like they would have whatever came stumbling out of the anomaly.

He sinks to the ground, shoved aside by the soldier he'd been attacking, and everything fades to black.

* * *

He wakes much later, in the medical bay at the ARC. He's been restrained, and the way his body feels slow and his mind feels foggy suggest he's still on some sort of sedative meant to keep him under control.

Sarah's there - the only one he hasn't managed to totally let down (though it had been a close call with the _Megopterans_) - scowling intently at the laptop she's typing on.

"Hey," he grumbles, head lolling to look at her.

"Hey, yourself," she echoes.

"Is there anything..."

She shakes her head, "I'm doing everything I can."

They both know it won't be enough.

* * *

A part of him knows that it was a mistake to let himself get so close to those he was charged with protecting - his and Danny's amicable battle over the ARC's security, his half-hearted arguments with Abby over the creatures, and the newly established relationship he and Connor had started. Those things make him impartial and reckless.

The same kind of reckless he is when he leads the first mission in search of the others. According to the information they picked up on it, it's to the same general time and place as the one that Helen led them into, though they have no way of knowing where they went from there.

That missions ends in a spectacular failure, when a horde of ravenous wolf-like creatures (notably not the dreaded future predators) attacks and kills nearly every soldier he'd brought. He narrowly escapes himself and almost wishes he hadn't.

* * *

Connor and Abby and Danny have been gone three months when he finally talks Lester into letting him send out another search party. By this point, the team has been filled out again - with Matt Anderson replacing Danny as the team leader and Jess Parker on tech and the ever mysterious Phillip Burton funding the ARC. Becker's pretty sure that Lester is hoping he gets this out of his system so he can focus on protecting his new team instead of searching for his old one.

He only takes a handful of soldiers with him on this mission, and this time it is a past anomaly - the Jurassic. Things are going smoothly, though without any sign that his friends have been here, when a volcanic eruption cuts them off from the path back to the anomaly home. The anomaly is fading by the time they circle around, everyone is a little singed and very battle weary, but they all make it back safely, at least.

But Lester meets them on the other side, looking anxious and tired and sort of broken.

"We lost Sarah," he tells them all. "Another anomaly opened. Something got out before we got there - a _Therocephalian_, from the Permian era - she was bitten and the poison spread too quickly."

Becker puts his fist through a wall when that registers.

It's his fault, again.

Another person lost because he wasn't there. So many ARC researchers have been killed. Stephen were before his time, but Nick was killed not long after he'd joined. Abby and Connor are lost to the anomaly, and so there's no one from the original team left. Danny's missing, too, and now Sarah. Sarah, who was all he had left. At least he could tell himself that he'd been protecting Sarah when the others had gone through in search of Helen but now he doesn't even have that anymore.

They have to sedate him again.

* * *

Becker waits another two months before he dares to ask again. This time it's after Jess picks up some strange interference coming from an anomaly that popped up downtown, and he's sure - so so so sure - that this is them coming back that it's like losing them all over again when his team comes up empty.

The interference, they later determine, is caused by the anomaly's proximity to a nearby radio station. They get tons of reports of strange noises interrupting the morning radio show.

* * *

There's one time, after a particularly nasty near miss with Matt and Jess at an anomaly site, that Becker almost gives up on everything.

Why not, he figures, since he clearly sucks at keeping anyone safe. What would it hurt to go in by himself and just keep looking? He wouldn't be risking anyone but himself and he doesn't have anyone left to let down (other than debatably Lester). He packs a bag and a hefty supply of ammo and sneaks back to the future site after it's been cleared of all but the last man left to guard it until it vanishes.

"I need you to unlock the anomaly," he orders the soldier.

He gets no response.

"That is an order."

"No, sir," comes the response.

"Why not?"

"The administrator ordered me to disregard you if you tried to give me such orders. In fact," the soldier continues, "the machine was removed from the premises immediately after the anomaly was closed. As a precaution."

"I'll just find another one, then."

"You can try, sir."

With his plan spoiled, he takes his leave. He'll stay on comms until the alarm sounds again and then he'll beat the team there, get through before they can close it. And then he'll be free to search as long as he can manage.

But, when the alarm next sounds, he is in a bar down the street from his place, downing drink and drink until he can't even see straight. Somehow, he manages to stumble back home and into bed, where he dreams of three familiar people stepping out of the anomaly, surrounded by ARC soldiers in the middle of downtown London. He comes to the realization that if Connor, Abby and Danny ever make it home this will be the place - with the alarms and alerts - that will let him know about it.

When he comes to, despite the brutal hangover and the dozen missed calls he has for missing a call out, he unpacks the bag.

* * *

The fourth mission, the last mission, is a desperate attempt. It's Connor's birthday and it's so clear to everyone that Becker is starting to lose it again, that Lester is actually the one to suggest it.

He'd been in the menagerie with Sid and Nancy and Rex, torturing himself with memories when the anomaly alarm had gone off.

"Take some soldiers through," Lester had told him, appearing out of nowhere to offer the chance since the standing rule now is that no one explores the anomalies without a really good reason. "They could use a challenge."

But Becker gets it.

"Thanks," he says, and they go.

* * *

It's been nearly a year since Connor and Abby and Danny disappeared into the anomaly, been eight months since they lost Sarah, and he's just barely starting to recover from it all. He's lost himself in the work, in protecting Matt and Jess and (on the rare occurrences when he joins the team on site) Phillip from the dangers of the anomalies. He's pushing himself harder, making sure his soldiers are battle tested (because he's sick of losing them, too) before he'll give them much of any responsibility in the field. He insists on teaching the scientists enough about the weapons to be able to defend themselves (though none of them are civilians, Lester assures him that there will be no more civilians at the ARC). He supports the technological advancements Jess makes (even though every keystroke is changing Connor's system), and helps Matt test his new weapons (even if it means taking some pretty serious hits, it's worth it to know that they work).

But when he doesn't have work, he's nothing.

There's nothing at home expect bad dreams and old memories and he hates being there.

"I did everything I could," he says, downing what is not his first drink of the night, alone with his ghosts in his empty flat.

* * *

It's just another day.

A year and change since they disappeared - he doesn't even have to keep track anymore, the days just add up on their own; a number called to mind whenever he notices that he hasn't been thinking about it - and he's sore from Matt's newest weapons test and kind of pissed at Jess for her latest computer update.

Another day, another anomaly, another inevitable disappointment.

He and Matt head downtown to the site of the newest anomaly, debating the merits of the electromagnetic guns over the traditional tranq guns as they speed through the streets. So far there have been no creature sightings reported, but based on the readings Jess had, something came through, so Becker is anticipating a hunt for whatever it was that manage to sneak out of the Cretaceous unobserved.

He thinks of the _Giganotosaurus Rex_ that came through a Cretaceous anomaly not long after he joined up with ARC, of saving Connor's ass after he pulled something stupidly brave to save his.

Matt doesn't question the sad smile that crosses his face.

"Reports of two unknown figures by the anomaly site, Captain," one of his men reports over the comm lines.

Becker stomps down hard on the flicker of hope that flashes in his chest because he will not do this again. He won't believe anything until he sees it. "Faster," he demands, eyes glues to the road ahead. "Go faster."

The SUV takes the last turn so fast that it nearly flips, speeding on toward the glimmer of the anomaly. Some of his men are already there, forcing the two people to the ground at gunpoint while they rush to close the anomaly before anything else can get through.

"Becker, wait-" Matt tries, but the car isn't even stopped yet and he's out, sprinting toward the figures because it's them and he knows.

And he doesn't know how. He doesn't know how he manages to be all calm and coherent when he snarks, "I hope you brought me back a souvenir," at them. He doesn't know how his hands aren't shaking when he offers one to each of them and pulls them to their feet. He doesn't know how he can be staring at these people who he'd never thought he'd get to see again.

But, Connor and Abby don't seem to be any more sure of that than he is. They're all giddy smiles and relieved disbelief as he pulls them both in for crushing hugs.

"Where the hell have you been!?" He demands, and he can't quite bring himself to let go when Connor pulls back to answer him.

"Oh, here and there," he says, "We woulda called but the reception was terrible."

God, he missed that.

"I looked for you," he tells them, because he thinks they need to know that. "I sent four missions. I... I tried everything."

Abby shakes her head, "It doesn't matter now. We're back. And everything is gonna be just fine."

And from there, there are more hugs and there's more celebrating. Even the bad news that they have no idea where Danny got to isn't enough to take away the excitement of getting them back. Nothing can take that away. Not today.

Introductions and explanations await them at the ARC and he's quick to usher them back into the SUV, unable to let them out of his sight for fear that they'll vanish again. Matt volunteers to drive, which is good because Becker knows there's no way he could have done it without getting them all killed, and he's beyond grateful when Abby calls shotgun and steals the passenger seat, leaving him in the back with Connor.

"Hey, Action Man," Connor whispers, once they're on the road. He nudges Becker's hand with his own, eyes questioning whether or not that's still okay after so much distance - 100 million years of distance - and grins when Becker flips his hand over and holds on tight, curling their fingers together. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

"Good," Becker whispers back, and pulls Connor close enough to steal a quick kiss, "I am so done with long-distance relationships."


End file.
